i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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