yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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