I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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