When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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