i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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