Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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