I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
