OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
