Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
