Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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