Have you finally orgasmed yet?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
