Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
