I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
