i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
