eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
