Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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