And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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