I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
