Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
