You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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