Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
