My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
