I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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