I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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