she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
