awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Redeem this text for a blowjob
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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