Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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