do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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