When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am one with the molecules
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
