Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Are we still banned from the library?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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