there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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