And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
