Quick, to the slutcave!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
