maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
