Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
