reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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