i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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