I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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