I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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