Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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