i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
