I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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