Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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