And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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