y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
