There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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