I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
