so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
