We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
