As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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