Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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