DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
