dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Semen is not good for contacts.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
