I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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