she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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