So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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