I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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