it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
