We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
