he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
