I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
