My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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